[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
You Might Also Like
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Breaking news:
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..