What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Nice try, NASA
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.