What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball