Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
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All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
meow
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”