Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.