My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
You Might Also Like
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”