Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.