Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Pot warmers of the day.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*