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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Oh yeah that’s it
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works