ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
You Might Also Like
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.