Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.