Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..