Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.