My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬