If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
![]()
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.