If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
constantly working on myself.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.