Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.