[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?