ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Candles never taste the way they smell
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?