Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
i wish i could marry a nap
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back