Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
#Caturday
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
that lip filler tho
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.