Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
house sitting!
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’