Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
You Might Also Like
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Help Wanted
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
HERE’S MARKY
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”