God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
*Seductively hides in the woods
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet