I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
What the hell happened in there??
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“![]()
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.