I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Alexa; make it look like an accident
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”