The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
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Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph