just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.