I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
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Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem