[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.