My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Hot hot hot 🥵
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.