I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.