When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You Might Also Like
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.