Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.