you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
#catsoftwitter
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.