you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
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My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.