My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’