america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me