*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
#merica
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Called it
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus