Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.