Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
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A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer