Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
You Might Also Like
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?