I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You Might Also Like
OH. COME. ON.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what