Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
You Might Also Like
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.