@sara_ashlynn

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

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@ManJuggs

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

@Jandalize

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

@IQuitWriting

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

@MrSpoonicorn

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

@browneyegirl9

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

@mlinhart

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

@NotKarma

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

@hello_saylor

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”