My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
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8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
🤔😂😂
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Chemical wingman
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours