I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”