We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met