Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
rise and shine we got egg
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this