If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
March 16
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea