i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Something Saturday.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.