if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?