If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
A Short Story.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*