BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
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[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
This could’ve been an email.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.