DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh