Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Tuesday
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.