Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️