People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
that de-escalated quickly
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…