Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Probably my best painting.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
2 years later
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.