Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
We need more people like this.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.