Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.