We need more people like this.
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BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Barbie gone wild
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”